How to Become a Leprechaun

First, learn to read.

Next, find out you like reading. In fact, you like reading a lot.

As you read more and more, decide you dislike non-fiction. Instead, decide that you prefer fiction. Specifically, you like fantasy. Do this while you're still in elementary school so that you're still naive enough to believe in magic.

Also while you're in elementary school, realize that your favorite holiday is St. Patrick's Day. It’s not your favorite because of alcohol, that will come later, but it’s because trying to catch a leprechaun is so exciting. Every year as you grow up, set traps the night before, check them the morning of St. Patrick’s Day, and be disappointed every single time.

One St. Patrick's Day before you're old enough to properly process it, watch "Leprechaun" right before you go to sleep. Be terrified by it, but be even more sure that leprechauns exist.

Begin to research leprechauns in the school library and then the nearest public library. Read about how best to find the end of a rainbow. After that, put your research to work and go chase after the next rainbow you see. Get lost, then get your video games taken away for week and receive a stern lecture from your parents, after they finally find you walking alone down a side road two miles from your house. Give up on ever actually finding a leprechaun.

Many years later, after life has started to take its toll on you, suddenly remember your childhood fascination with leprechauns while you watch a tiny man in a green suit run past the window of the bar you're spending your St. Patrick's Day in. Immediately begin ranting about leprechauns to the people at the bar with you. Get told you're drunk, then let them know that you can prove it, how dare they doubt you, in fact, you just saw one run past. They tell you to hurry and go catch it. Tell them what they can do to themselves, and continue to stick around the bar just long enough to have the barkeep ask you to go home. After some encouragement from a very large man with a stern expression, go ahead and go home.

Get to work late the next day and get called into your boss's office. Don’t be too surprised when you get fired because you know as well as your boss does, this is not the first time you’ve been late and hungover. Of course, to get over the loss of your job, immediately go to your favorite bar. Starting the next day, spend the next few weeks either searching for a job or drinking, though sometimes both at the same time.

Start seeing that same leprechaun as before more often, but only see it when you're drunk. After a couple sightings, begin wondering about it when you're sober. Maybe it's real. Maybe you're drinking a bit too much.

One day, spot a rainbow and decide to follow it. It's better than getting drunk again, especially because you're running low on cash. And besides, the fact you don’t have a job means you have plenty of time on your hands.

After some following, find yourself on a side street you didn't know existed. Proceed down the street and spot a shabby Irish pub that doesn't see much traffic. Be disappointed the rainbow seems to have disappeared, but hey, the sign on the window of the pub says "Help Wanted." Maybe it's your lucky day. Every other job you've tried for has turned you down, but you and bars go hand in hand.

Be confident as you open the door, walk in the pub and inquire about the help wanted. The manager explains they have enough employees in the running the place, but the pub could use some advertising. Learn the job is to wear a leprechaun suit at the corner where the side street opens to the main road and direct potential customers to the pub, pot of gold not included.

Get offered the job.

Take it.